My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
This guy’s not having it 😆
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
But is it really??
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.