My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
You Might Also Like
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age