Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.