Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

Denise please return my vape pen

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Monday?
No. Next question.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.