My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
this is so top tier i cant
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
making my dog give me my pills
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.