Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.