Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.