My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”