My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I only treason on days ending in y
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT