Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

New nose

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open