Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.