My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
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*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Hey i am sexy to you now
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..