@sickipediabot

My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

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@dave_cactus

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

@xysist

Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.

@LEBassett

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

@shutupmikeginn

In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it’s been a long time coming

@Super70sSports

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

@SwedishCanary

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

@robdelaney

Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”

@onedumbshark

My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.