My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.


Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry


[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?


Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?


People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.


“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”


Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.


what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?


So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”