My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.


Cauliflower is just cabbage rocking an afro.


We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.


In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it’s been a long time coming


Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.


Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.


Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.


Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”


My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away.