@sickipediabot

My friend has got an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

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@thedadvocate01

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

@d2BMcG

Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

@mc_funbags

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@CatalystNB

“A decade is ten years” doesn’t make it sound quite as long as “Nyan Cat is from this decade”

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

@RatCasket

what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@ThisOneSayz

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”