Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.