My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Who did it better?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door