My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
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Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”