Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

that de-escalated quickly

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store