Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

me opening up to someone

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan