My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt