My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.