Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)