My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The fall of Netflix
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name