My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
#merica
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.