Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

want me to check your oil?

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man