My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.