My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.