Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

oh shit

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.