Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

A Short Story.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

A leaf blower, but for people.