Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

welp

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

The opposite of goth is stopth.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

😉😝

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.