My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You Might Also Like
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My dog ate my work from home.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
