My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt