My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.