Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.