Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.