My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Guantanamo Bae
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
A Monday every week is excessive
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.