my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Jesus steals the winter solstice
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.