my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper
me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok