Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.