My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Battery falling down a hole
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.