Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Automatic soap dispenser
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if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off