@TrueTorontoGirl

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

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@Gupton68

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

@TheHonorableAT

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

@maisondecris

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

@AndyRichter

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

@BCMontgo

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

@Wordesse

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

@MrIceMachine

Automatic flusher
Automatic soap dispenser
Automatic sink
Automatic paper towel dispenser

N O W T O U C H T H E D O O R H A N D L E

@KeetPotato

if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off