My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”
I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?
I need to move.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
Me: I KNOW DAN
CoW: it’s early
Me: THAT’S HOW EARTH WORKS
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!