My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
the dark web is just a goth google.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this