Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn