My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
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I put the hot in psychotic.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
one week till the election
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie