Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

had to make it

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

Always the vampires

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”