Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Me buying fruit and veg

I self medicate, therefore you live.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in