My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
You Might Also Like
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Me buying fruit and veg
I self medicate, therefore you live.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in