Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

How all things should be taught/explained.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down