My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
when revenge coincides with naptime
