My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone