@GingerHotDish

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

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@OctopusCaveman

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

@alexlumaga

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

@alexlumaga

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

@notfaizzy

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@Laser_Cat

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.