My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Word!
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
God, I love Scotland
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees