Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking