My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
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Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Nothing to do, you say?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming