My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
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I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
☠️
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My first son he is wonderful
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?