No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
wtf is an acronym
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese