8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
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My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.