My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My blood type is coffee.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”