A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Lassie, get help!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*