Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

Not all heroes wear capes.

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.