Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?