Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.