My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Finally, an explanation.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
