Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

im gay on my mothers side

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

Pat is about to own someone

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang