My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
He’s dead
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect