my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
These work great until they don’t.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Sorry not sorry.
bears
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall