my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Great Canadian literature.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals