My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…