My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
How all things should be taught/explained.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.