You Might Also Like
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
giddy up Office Depot
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
The struggle is real
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”