my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
You Might Also Like
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
inventing words: clothing
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.