Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”