my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
placebo pills? more like sike meds
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.