my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
You Might Also Like
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.