My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Okey dokey.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?